Flashback...

She stood in front of the kitchen window staring at the stranger at the edge of the water.  He was looking out at the turbulent sea, so his back was all she saw.  There was something familiar about this man that sent shivers down her spine.  A flood of memories washed over her like the giant waves crashing on the sand.

Her name was Monika Simonson and she had rented the beach house on the northern coast of California for the summer.  She was a 62-year-old recently retired widow, who was in need of some time to adjust and get her bearings for the next phase of her life.  As she watched the stranger, she was reminded of another time and another encounter.

It was an ordinary spring day in 1965 when she first met Erik.  It wasn't planned; it wasn't even executed well; it just happened.  Sometimes, she liked to think of it as fate.  She was 22 years old, single, and was working the late shift at a diner to help pay the bills and get her through school.  It was closing time, so she and Lisa, the other waitress, were busy cleaning up.

He strolled through the door with a newspaper tucked under his arm and sat down on one of the stools at the counter.  "Coffee.  Black."  He wasn't telling anyone in particular.  He just called out his order.  He opened the paper to the want ads and buried his face behind it.

Without looking up, Monika filled a cup, placed it on the counter in front of him, laid a menu next to it, and returned to her routines.

Lisa nudged her shoulder and said, "Did you get a look at that?"

Monika had no idea what Lisa was talking about.  She looked up from her work, first at Lisa and then at the stranger.  For the first time, she noticed how gorgeous he was!  She judged him to be about six feet four inches tall, of slender build, with dark hair and the bluest eyes she had ever seen.  She suddenly became self-conscious, which surprised her.  All she could manage to say was, "Wow!"

She hoped he didn't notice her nervousness or her flushed cheeks when she returned to ask if there was anything else he needed.

"Yeah!  A job!  Know anybody hiring?"  Monika sensed a tone of stress in his voice.

She looked at him for a moment and replied, "Actually, I do.  Can you cook?"

"Oh, I can make a mean hamburger!  Why?"

"Jack is looking for a short-order cook.  Our last one walked out last week, so we can use the help.  He'll be in to work in the morning if you'd like to talk to him."

He looked at her with disbelief.  "I might do that.  Thanks.  And thanks for the coffee.  That's all I really wanted.  You've been very helpful."

He paid for his coffee, left her a tip, and walked out the door.

Monika watched him until he was out of sight.  "Wow!" she said again.

Lisa teased her with both her remarks and her look.  "You better watch out girl!  That one could break your heart!"

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Erik came back the next day, was hired on the spot and turned out to be a good asset for the diner.  He really could make a "mean hamburger!"

Over the next few weeks, Monika found herself flirting with Erik and he seemed to enjoy it.  At first, it was innocent, but one day after work, as Monika was about to leave, Erik met her at the back door, blocked her exit, leaned down and planted a kiss right on her mouth!  And what did she do?  She surprised herself and kissed him back.  She was so embarrassed by the whole thing that she ducked under his arm, opened the door and left the building.

That was the beginning.  From that moment in the diner something grabbed her heart and slammed it against a brick wall.  She didn't mean for it to happen.  She really didn't want a relationship at this time in her life.  She was working her way through school and had big plans to become a doctor.  A serious relationship just might put skids on those plans.  There was a battle churning inside her.  She would just have to let him know that she wasn't interested in anything permanent.  Oh, but he was so perfect.  He seemed to be everything she ever wanted in a man.  First she would have to convince herself.

After work one night, Monika worked up the courage to tell Erik that this just couldn't go on.  She sat down next to him at the counter, he put his arm around her shoulders without looking at her, and said, "I need to talk to you."  She looked at him in disbelief.  No, this wasn't the way she had planned it, she was the one who needed to talk to him.

"OK, I'm here.  What did you need to talk about?" she asked, almost afraid to hear what would follow.  There was something different about him.

"I've been giving our past few months a lot of thought, Monika, and...(he paused as if to find the right words to say)...well, I get the feeling that our relationship is just getting way too serious.  I'm just not the serious kind of guy  Maybe we should just stop seeing each other."

Did I hear what I think I heard?  Did he just say we should end this?  Monika was dumbfounded!  No, this is not how it was supposed to go!  "I don't know what to say, Erik.  How is not seeing each other going to be possible when we work side by side every day?"

"Yeah, that's the other part of it.  I gave Jack my notice last week, and tonight was my last night."

For some strange reason, tears began to flow down Monika's face.  "That's it?  Just like that--that's it?"

Erik didn't say anything more.  He just leaned over, kissed her gently on her cheek, got up and walked out the front door and out of her life forever.

Monika just stared at his back in disbelief for the longest time, until she heard a voice say, "Don't say I didn't warn you."  It was Lisa.  Monika got up, threw her arms around Lisa's neck and watched Erik get into his car and drive away.  She squeezed her eyes tight, hoping she was squeezing the last of her tears away.

When she had regained some composure, she said to Lisa, "I know you warned me, and a part of me wishes I would have listened to you.  A part of me wants to hate him, but the other part of me says, even though I had already planned to end it, myself, I can honestly say, not for the world would I have missed that one!"

All Lisa could say was, "He must have been quite a ride!"

"Oh, yeah!  He was all of that and more!"

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That was the last time Monika saw Erik.  But, she kept a soft spot in her heart for him.  He had brought into Monika's life the ability to love.  And he showed her how it felt to be loved in return.  She knew he wasn't "Mr. Right," but her heart and soul were full of him and when he walked out that door, a piece of her heart walked out with him.  She kept asking herself, if I loved him so much, why didn't I fight harder to make him stay?  And why does it hurt so much?

Now, as she studied the back of the stranger standing on the beach, tears collected in her eyes and spilled down her cheeks.  Those memories were a lifetime ago, and yet she could still shed tears.  The stranger turned around to face her, as if he knew somebody was watching him.  He looked directly at her.  She held her breath.  He smiled and slowly walked away.  It wasn't Erik, of course, but something inside of her wished it could have been.  She blinked.  A tear fell down her cheek.  She wiped it away, and said softly to his disappearing back, "Thank you!"

My Journey to Inner Space...

 

Have you ever had the experience of looking up into the vast night sky, searching for the brightest star in the Universe, and finding only dull lights up there?  When I was a little girl, I spent a lot of time searching the heavens.  I was amazed at just how endless that vast expanse of space seemed.  My friends had told me to look for the "brightest star," and so I tried.  I would get so frustrated because I could not see anything bright up there.  It just looked like a lot of little pinpoint dots on a black canvas.  Then, a miracle happened!  One night I discovered that if I focused my eyes just slightly to the left of whatever star I was looking at, voila, it became as bright as it could be.  It was as though it came to life.  I could see it.  I could see that bright, bright star.

From this single discovery of a seven-year-old searching a star filled sky, my curiosity was piqued and as I grew older, there arose in me a yearning to learn more about that boundless expanse of outer space.  Three questions began forming in my head that eventually would shape my life and lead me on a journey that not only looked beyond our visible and invisible universe but helped me to look into my own inner space.  This singular experience launched me to where I am today.

The first question that I started asking myself was why is it that I have to adjust my focus in order to see that one, bright star?

It wasn't until I was in my teens that I learned why my quirky vision of that bright star was askew.  An optometrist told me that I had a "lazy eye" (a condition known as strabismus).  For some reason, my right eye liked to wander outward and didn't work as it should with my left eye.  It had a mind of its own.  The doctor prescribed glasses and gave me exercises to do.

For the time being, a whole new world of vision was opened up to me.  I no longer had to sit in front of the class in school in order to see.  Words on the written page were clearer.  And looking at the brightest star was no longer an exercise in frustration.  I even learned the love of reading because most of the blur I was used to seeing on the written page disappeared.

My second question was what lies beyond what we can see with our naked eyes in that expanse of open space?

As I looked for answers to this question, I often thought how wonderful it would be if we could travel amongst the stars and get a close up view of them.  I studied Astronomy and learned about the many constellations and the names of the planets that make up our solar system.

As I grew older, I discovered that there were others who were thinking just like me.  Scientists were finding stronger and stronger telescopes and began exploring ways to visit outer space.

My late husband worked for McDonnell-Douglas in the late 1950's (Douglas Aircraft then) as a draftsman on the moon walk program.  At that time I thought how far out that project was.  It really was "far out"!  Far out in space!  Science and technology were bringing space travel from the imagination of Hollywood screen writers to reality.  And we were experiencing a great deal of it through the miracle of television.

Who would have thought that in my lifetime I would watch a man from earth walk on the moon?  My childhood questions of what lies beyond have been brought into focus by way of the amazing Hubble Telescope.

My last question was what is my relationship with the creator of all of this?

Time and experience have led me on a spiritual journey that was just as lazy as my lazy eye!  In my youth, I had not yet discovered my own "inner space."  My relationship with the Creator of our vast universe was anything but centered in goodness.  I lived the lazy, easy way of life for far too many years.  I didn't know it then, but I needed "glasses" to help my spiritual vision become focused.

Sometimes life offers us solutions to difficult problems in unthinkable ways.  For me, those glasses came at a time in my life when I was spiraling out of control, and in a most unusual form.

At the age of fifty-six, I was diagnosed with another eye disorder that was beyond lazy eye!  The medical name for my condition is Fuchs Dystrophy.  In laymen's terms, I was going blind because my corneas were thickening at an alarming rate.  This news literally brought me to my knees.  As I groped for answers in darkness and searched my soul--my inner space, if you will--I was slowly guided to the brightest hope my dim eyes could ever see.  It was a hope far brighter than that early brightest star.

I learned that blindness isn't just a physical loss of sight, but it can also be a spiritual one.  I learned that it took my threat of physical blindness to see that I was blind spiritually.  I learned that spiritual blindness isn't measured on a 20/20 eye chart.  Sometimes it takes a crisis in our lives to be able to "read it!"

As I journeyed through my inner space, I found a bright hope.  Just like trying to see that star in the heavens in my childhood, I just had to take a little detour to the left and voila, there it was, right where it had always been.

I heard a story once about a blind person who wanted to know if there was anything worse than losing eyesight.  His answer came in four words: "Yes, losing your vision."

From a seven-year-old with faulty vision looking at a sky full of stars, to discovering how perfect the heavens are through modern day technology, to nearly losing my eyesight completely, I found my relationship with the Creator of it all.  And because I turned my life around, He blessed me.  After six eye surgeries, He restored my sight.  I now look at the night sky and I am reminded of a quote from Martin Luther King, "Only in the darkness can you see the stars."

I found solace in the scriptures as I read of the account in John 9:1-41 about the time Jesus was healing the blind man.  He not only healed his physical blindness, but he also healed his spirit.  The blind man confessed, "...I was blind, now I see." (v.25)

These same words are expressed in John Newton's Amazing Grace, "I was lost, but now am found, was blind but now I see."

That brightest star that eluded me all those years ago is now my beacon.

A Journey Through Friendship...

(Though this is not Linda, it could be!)

 

It was winter when I first met Linda.  I was "the new kid on the block" hired to work in a seven-bed Intensive Care Unit and Linda was assigned to be my Preceptor.  Becoming friends was an interesting journey.

In the beginning, I found my new colleague unapproachable, abrasive and unfriendly.  She was all business and I don't think I ever saw her smile.  She was a plump figure of authority, which I found somewhat intimidating.  She had a round face, fair complexion and wore her long blonde hair pulled back in a tidy ponytail.  Her uniforms were clean and neatly pressed every day and she always smelled fresh, like she had just stepped out of a shower.

She looked like a woman who took her job and her life seriously.

She had one feature, however, that I loved immediately.  Her eyes!  They were as green as the Irish Sea which gave me a hint of her roots.  I filed my first impressions and the depth of her fixed in her eyes into my memory bank.

For weeks, I followed Linda around the unit, taking notes on a little notepad she taught me to use.  I observed with interest her meticulous care of each of her assigned patients.  She left not only her patients, but each room tidy and clean whenever she was finished with her duties.  I jotted this information down for future use.

As time went by, I began to see Linda's softer side.  I found a warm, caring heart beneath that crusty exterior and when no one was looking, she let me see her smile.  Though she never laughed out loud, her smile spoke volumes. 

Over time and through our encounters at work, my respect for Linda the nurse and Linda the person, grew.  She became my mentor, my role model and soon enough, my best friend.

Our journey into friendship had its beginning when I learned one day that Linda and I were going to attend the same Women's Conference on our day off.  I enquired if she might like to go with me.

She seemed delighted, and said, "Yes."

The Conference was held in an outdoor setting in a wooded area complete with a bubbling stream, picnic tables, and a fire circle.  It was here that I got to know Linda the woman.  I learned that she was not unapproachable at all.  We got better acquainted while walking a path in the woods beside the refreshing stream.  She let me into her inner thoughts and I shared mine with her.  And these are not things I jotted down in my little notepad.  These are things that I recorded in my heart.

Our friendship blossomed over the next nine years.  We worked together, played together and we both went back to school together.  We spent three years studying, agonizing over tests, and rejoicing in our quest to earn a BSN degree.  We realized that dream in June of 1992.

In the fall of 1998, I moved away from our small southern Utah town.  My journey would take me to Oregon, where I began a new chapter in my own life, leaving my friend behind.  I didn't hear from her for a very long time.  I spent time writing, calling and leaving messages.

Since I never got replies, I began to worry.  Then one day, a card and letter arrived in the mail.  It came when I had all but given up that I would ever hear from my friend again.  She apologized for being a poor correspondent.  She filled me in on her recent health issues.  This news frightened me.  She told me that her heart was in trouble and that she had recently undergone open-heart surgery to replace two valves.  She was experiencing a great deal of fatigue and was not able to work in the profession that she loved so much.

Oh, how I wanted to fly to Utah and be with her.  I'm not sure why I didn't go, but I didn't.  Maybe it was because it was so far and I couldn't afford the trip.  She told me in her letter that she "didn't deserve a friend like me!"  That gave me pause, and I thought, I am the one who doesn't deserve a friend like Linda.

Linda passed away just one day shy of her 60th birthday in the same Intensive Care Unit where we worked side by side for all those years.  That letter I received just months prior to her death was my last communication with her.

As I look back and realize the many powerful ways Linda touched my heart and my life, one truth is evident--first impressions can be one-dimensional and are not always a true picture of all the layers of a person.  Sometimes we need to be fitted with 3-D glasses to see their full depth.  As I see it, 3-D equals time, patience and love.

I miss you, my friend.

Writing Gives Me Insight...

When did I first begin this journey?  I believe it was in my sixteenth year when I wrote a little poem while I was school.  It was a short one, but it came from the heart and reflected some deep feelings.  That was the beginning of getting in touch with what was inside of me and putting my thoughts down on paper.  I believe from that day forward, I began a love affair with pen and paper.

My children are my greatest fans, and they are the ones who have encouraged me over the years to keep writing.  In the early years, I put together a family newsletter, an annual Christmas letter, and various writings in my first blog attempt, "Life is a Journey.  I like to write about my family or current events or the trips my husband and I have taken.  I have also written a few short stories and philosophical pieces for my own entertainment.

I have a novel inside of me that really wants to be written.  It is a work in progress, with some chapters already expressed and put on paper.  But as time goes by, I think of revisions I would like to make, and haven't quite got to picking up my pen and moving on with it.  I just get stuck.

I am a simple little old woman who has lived life fully.  I have loved two husbands, lost one to a massive coronary at the age of 49, and the other has been a wonderful companion for me and is my best friend.  I have raised six amazing children.  They have given me 14 beautiful grandchildren and 5 great-grandchildren.

I love nature, a beautiful sunset, a quiet walk on the beach or a hike in the mountains.  I love to travel and meet new people.  Life, though hard at times, has been especially good to me.  In addition, I do not think I would trade my life's experiences with anyone on the planet.  My only regret is that I did not start writing sooner.

I am a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother, a grandmother and a nurse.  I dance, I sing, I read and I write.  I am an American who loves her country and freedom and sunshine and ice cream.  I am probably just like every other American who believes these things.  I guess I am also an average girl, winding down an amazing life. 

With all of my experiences, I have a lot of material to pick from and write about.  And...I want to share it all with my grandchildren.  Above all else, I want them to know me.  I want them to know my thoughts and my life's experiences.  In other words, I want to live on through my writing.